Feelings ruin friendships.

Warning: this post may be a little "negative nancy"...ish.

The other day I was watching (500) Days of Summer. Amazing flick. It is so peculiar, yet so enticing. When it was over, I pushed play and started it over again. This time I paid closer attention. I listened to the lines, and I watched the movements of the characters; I studied their actions and reactions. When it was over (again), I realized something. I had thought about it before, but now I was positive...

The movie is written about me!

Ok, obviously not, let's not be absurd. But honestly, it is such a great portrayal of so many incidents in my life. Now, granted, there are some obvious parts that are nothing like me. If you have seen the flick, you will know which scenes I mean (in the video store, for example). BUT, that doesn't take away from the point I am getting at...

Three times. Three times in my life I have had a best friend. Three times I have had someone who means more to me than most other things. Three times I have had someone I would go the the end of the earth for, as long as it meant simply making them smile. Three times I have had the kind of friend that you don't even have to ask if they have plans because you already know you will be spending time together. Three times I have had the kind of friend that- when you show up somewhere without the other person at your side- people ask, "where is so-and-so?" both because they know you know the answer, and because they thought it strange you didn't show up together. Three times I have spent every waking moment with a person doing the most pointless things. Shopping at the grocery store, watching music videos at two am, laughing about army pants and talking about nothing. Three times I have had the kind of friend everyone wants... or think they want.

Three times they were guys. Kind, fun, amazing guys. Now,I do have a lot of female friends, but I have always had a particular attachment to male best friends. They are a great counterpart. They seem to just get you in ways that girl friends don't. They give you the opinions you need to hear. These friendships are fun and amazing and beautiful and just so EASY. It is easy to be around them, to be near them. You feel better just having them around. At least, that's how it was from my side of the story. Very few people understand every single thing about me. All three times, these boys have gotten me, to the core, exactly who I am. I loved it!

Three times, one of us has fallen for the other, and our relationship was ruined as a result.

Three times, one of us had stronger-than-friendship feelings while the other continued to view the relationship in the friend zone. Three times, one of us has confessed our feelings, and everything was detroyed. As hard as we worked to overcome it, nothing was the same again. As much as the one pretended to not love the other, you can't just stop loving someone. As much as the other wanted to make their best friend happy and love them back just the way they wanted, it wasn't there. As bad as we wanted things to go back to how they were, one of us was too hurt, and the other couldn't make themselves change their mind.

All three times it ripped my heart right out.

I loved them. It was friendship, but it was love as well. I cared more than anything about all three of them. I cared more than anything about how they felt, I wanted nothing more than to make everything ok again.

Three times I have lost my best friend. Three times I have had to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart. Three times I have had to try to accept the change, and pretend to be happy when I see them with someone else. Three times I had to spend months alone because my best friend was gone.

There is a line in the movie (yes, back to (500) Days of Summer) that says:

Tom : No, you know what ? I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what’s going on.
Summer : Nothing’s going on. We’re just ..
Tom : We’re just what ? Just what ?
Summer : We're just friends ...
Tom : No. Don’t pull that with me. Don’t even try. This is not how you treat your friend.

That line hit me so hard. This is not how you treat your friend.

Maybe I don't know how to treat my friends. Maybe there are lines, lines I have not yet recognized between friends and more than friends, that I have crossed. It's so true, you don't treat your friends like an object, as a means to an end, as someone to cure the lonliness until you find someone you care more about. True friends would recognize they were crossing the line, and they would stop themselves before they hurt their friend. I have been on both sides of the spectrum. I have fallen for a friend, and had a friend fall for me. In both cases, it hurt us both. We can't treat our friends like a means to an end. We must treat them as an end in themselves. If I have done this, I was unaware of what I was doing. I would never intentionally hurt my friends. I would especially never intentionally hurt those three best friends I have loved and lost.

I guess my point here is that I am lost. I don't know what to do... avoid male best friends I guess, or learn to treat them in a way so as we both understand our intentions.
I simply don't know. I just know that it hurts, and that right now, just in this moment, I truely believe that feelings ruin friendships.

Ps. I feel like I should add that I am still very thankful I had these friendships. They were well worth it, even if they didn't work out and we ended up growng apart. I wouldn't trade the times we had for anything! They are all still amazing people, and I am happy they are happy! :)


Janice said...

I'm sorry girl! I've only had this happen once...but it was really recently and it is awful. And all feelings put aside, losing the actual friendship is what hurts the most!

Steven said...

Misty! This post rings true from start to finish. I so know what you mean, and I guess all that I can say is that if finding love were easy, it wouldn't be the great and amazing thing it is.

You don't have to feel lost or alone. Be yourself and love life for what it is. As far as the friends go, there's no easy answer, but I think if you're both honest and vocal about your intentions early on, it helps.

Oh, yeah. Can I tell you that you rock?

And that I freakin' LOVE you?