Thursday

I do believe it's true, that there are roads left in both of our shoes.

I like to think of myself as a free spirit. Sometimes I take the long way home just because it’s the scenic route. Sometimes I drive to the lake and watch the sunset on my own just because I want to. Sometimes I recycle just because that’s what a Flagstaffian would do. That last one was a joke; I really do recycle once in a while, but not because it’s what they do in Flagstaff. I recycle more so because somewhere deep down inside of me there is a hippy trying to fight her way to the surface.


I often find myself doing impulsive things as a result of this aforementioned free spirited lifestyle, the most recent being the topic of this post (shocking, a post with actual substance rather than my usually pointless rants). I am not so self absorbed as to assume that everyone is interested in my life choices, but you are on my blog reading my posts after all. If you don’t care, you know where to find the red ‘x’ as an escape route. Anywho… sometimes when you are a free spirit you quit your job in order to find happiness, regardless of the expectations people have of you (or that you have of yourself). I’ve heard it said that expectations “can be like a fungal rot on a relationship”. That’s actually from a movie, and if you can name it I will send you a high five in the mail. Isn’t that the truth, though? When there are expectations of anyone or anything it essentially leads to sadness and disappointment. I don’t mean expectations as in standards; I mean expectations as in assumptions. Expectations of earning a certain degree, marrying at a certain age, having children at a certain time, finding a certain success… all these things only put stress on a relationship (relationship meaning family, friends, lovers, etc, etc, etc).

I know there have been times in all of our lives when we found ourselves doing things that didn’t necessarily make us happy; we did them because we were expected to. The thing is, though, that being a free spirit (a self proclaimed one) has lead me to break the bounds of these expectations time and time again. Nobody expected me to move to Italy when I was 19, but it turned out to be a wonderful learning experience and one of the best times of my life. Nobody expected me to put off graduation for a semester and take on an internship in Florida, but it was the time in my life when I truly found out who I am. Nobody expected me to be a firefighter, but it proved to be something I not only enjoy but kind of love. You see, being wild and free and bulletproof by doing what I want instead of what is expected of me has lead to the best experiences I’ve had in my short life.

So, all of that being said… as of late I have found myself pretty unhappy in the position I was in. I know that happiness is up to you and you have a choice and la la la. But whatevs… my day to day activities were just not doing it for me to say the least. You see, at this point in my life, having no family to raise, husband to support, or school to finish, my only real focus is my job. I learned quickly that although I love the company I work for and the people I work with, I am not in love with the job I do. Some may call it childish to walk away from a good and steady job because it isn’t my ‘forte’ (shout out to my Expedition buddies for using the word forte), but I call it being free spirited. I call it knowing what I want and going for it. I call it finding true success because I want to love what I do regardless of my income or my instinct to live up to people’s expectations.

Lately I have felt such a strong need to do what makes me happy. I need to do this without worrying what other people think. I need to do this without worrying what I will think of myself (obviously both of those are important to a degree, but for the sake of this post let’s say that they are solely just the negative thoughts associated with choosing a different path than you are ‘supposed’ to take). Because of this, I have chosen to leave the life I have created for myself in the past few months. I have chosen to walk away from my job, my roommate, my friends (shout out to my friends who are very patient with the non-responsive friend I’ve been as of late), everything I have built recently, to do what I know in my heart will make my happier. I want to spend some time doing the job I love for at least one more summer. I want to have bonding time with my brother before he heads out on a mission. I want to know my nephew while he is still a baby. I want to spend some time finding where my passions lay. I know these things will make me happy.

After I graduated college I was like a lost puppy. I accomplished the goal I sought for so long. Then what? I spent a year and a half trying to do what I thought I needed to, and it has lead me to an unhappy day to day settled lifestyle. I need to re-evaluate. I need to make new goals. I need to learn what I want to do with the things I have accomplished. I know that one more summer of bliss is just the ticket. It may not appear to be the most responsible choice, but since when have I done what was expected? I want to live. I want to be happy. I want to wake up every day excited for the day because I know I will be doing something I love that day.

I have no idea where my life will lead after the summer and I am telling you, that isn’t a bad problem to have. I may run away and gallivant about the world and spend all my money travelling. I may land an incredible job in my degree. I may move to Paris. I may buy a season pass to a ski resort and snowboard every single day. If I don’t find another job, I’ll figure it out. I’d rather be a happy seasonal firefighter than a miserable salaried finance advisor. I don’t know what is going to happen, but I know it’s all going to be alright. I know that in order to end up where we want to be, we have to first take that giant leap of faith. I am going to trust my instincts and do this. This is my giant leap of faith.

Now, may I ask, have you taken yours?

1 comment:

Camille Hawkins said...

Yay for walking to the beat of your own damn drum! There is no such thing as the appropriate age for things, it's the right age whenever you decide to do whatever is that you do. Don't let anyone ever make you feel not in the plan, you are your plan. You be young wild and free and travel all you want. It's what you make of it.