This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me.

Right now I am watching 'Yes, Man!' and the part is playing when the guy is about to jump off the roof and Jim Carrey sings....... "I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend, you could cut ties with all the lies that you've been livin' in......" E-P-I-C.

The other day someone asked me the most repetitive and redundant (yes, I get that it is repetitive and redundant to say both repetitive and redundant, that's the joke) question. The infamous, "why aren't you married?" My initial reaction is usually something like, "I'm only 24 years old! I have PLENTY of time before I am tied down for eternity!" Instead of that response, I usually try my best to give a humble and honest answer to the question while still staying confident and not sounding depressed (jk). Every time someone asks, it gets me thinking about what the real reason is. I'm not going to bore you with all the reasons I have found that it's not. I was bored trying to write about them, let alone read them. The reason I am here right now is because I figured it out. The reason no person should be married until there is a solution. The thing that every person should keep in mind as they choose their "soulmate". The pot of gold at the end of the hellish (sorry for the profanity) rainbow some people refer to as dating.

Are you ready for it?

The answer: Mark Zuckerberg is already married.

...........jk. But seriously. I was waiting for Mark to call for years only to find (on the cover of People magazine of all places) that he already chose some hot, brilliant, asian lady. Wah-wah such is life.

..........jk for reals this time. The real reason for the delay of marriage is that I haven't found the guy that treats me the way I deserve to be treated. Sounds so simple right? Sorry if you are disappointed in that answer. Let me explain..

Love is black and white. There is no grey. A person either loves you, or they don't. If there is any question, there will be someone else that loves you better.

In my experience, the boys I have dated have had some great qualities, some not so great qualities, some lessons to teach me and some challenges to present me with. They also all have one thing in common: they didn't work out. Have there been times when I wanted them to? Absolutely. Have there been times when I have prayed to keep them in my life? Absolutely? Have there been times I tried everything in my power and fought with all of my might to make it work? Absolutely. And yet, they didn't. Is that because there is no hope and prayers don't get answered and I am not meant to be happy? Absolutely not. It is because I deserve better.

I may have some pathetic, movie based, fictional, over the top, out of this world idea of what love is supposed to be, but I know it is because I deserve it. Everybody deserves it. Every single person has a right to feel that, 'can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series' kind of love. The kind of love Taylor Swift sings about. The kind of love the Notebook was made about. The kind of love Pride and Prejudice was written about. Call me crazy, call me girly, call me whatever you want. Say I'm looking for too much, say my standards are too high, say whatever you want. I know that I deserve it. I know every one does.

I know some people find it sooner than others. I know that there is a time for everything. I know that your time is different than my time. We all have lessons to learn, we all have experience to gain. We all have to be hurt so we know what it feels like to be cared about. We have to have it not work out sometimes so we can appreciate it when it does. Like a plant in a garden, we have to be pruned in order to meet our full potential. After the Lord feels we have been through enough, after we have grown and leared all we can, after we have suffered through the pain and hurt caused by ended relationships enough... then we will find it.

"That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy, and the only thing in focus is you and this person. You realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift. You want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it, and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time."

Everyone deserves that. I'll be honest for a second and say I have been treated terrible in relationships. I have been lied to, cheated on, mislead, used, abandoned. I've had guys walk away and then come back looking for second chances when they realize what they've lost (not being self-absorbed, just saying it happens). I fall easy, and I've been hurt. There is damage. I think we all sometimes feel that the damage can never been fixed. That we are too far gone. FALSE. It can be fixed. And that person walking out of your life is likely to be one of your greatest blessings because there will come a time when the right person, the one who will always treat you the way you deserve to be treated, will walk in to your life. That person will fight to stay. That person will respect you. That person will watch you from the across the room because they find you that fascinating. That person will protect you. That person will make time for you. That person will not doubt. That person will want nothing more than you.

Do not settle for less than that. Do not settle for less than you deserve. The pressures of society can make you feel like you need to rush, that you need to take what you can get. But I will stand and say no. No to anyone who thinks you should settle for less than you deserve. No to anyone who says you can make it work with anyone. No to anyone who doesn't believe in fairy tales endings. Real love is a fairy tale, and I know my happy ending will one day come true.

I want someone who will look at me like this on my wedding day.

I deserve it, and so do you.

That, my friends, is that answer to the, "why are you not married" question. Trust me... when I find it, you'll know.

I do believe it's true, that there are roads left in both of our shoes.

I like to think of myself as a free spirit. Sometimes I take the long way home just because it’s the scenic route. Sometimes I drive to the lake and watch the sunset on my own just because I want to. Sometimes I recycle just because that’s what a Flagstaffian would do. That last one was a joke; I really do recycle once in a while, but not because it’s what they do in Flagstaff. I recycle more so because somewhere deep down inside of me there is a hippy trying to fight her way to the surface.


I often find myself doing impulsive things as a result of this aforementioned free spirited lifestyle, the most recent being the topic of this post (shocking, a post with actual substance rather than my usually pointless rants). I am not so self absorbed as to assume that everyone is interested in my life choices, but you are on my blog reading my posts after all. If you don’t care, you know where to find the red ‘x’ as an escape route. Anywho… sometimes when you are a free spirit you quit your job in order to find happiness, regardless of the expectations people have of you (or that you have of yourself). I’ve heard it said that expectations “can be like a fungal rot on a relationship”. That’s actually from a movie, and if you can name it I will send you a high five in the mail. Isn’t that the truth, though? When there are expectations of anyone or anything it essentially leads to sadness and disappointment. I don’t mean expectations as in standards; I mean expectations as in assumptions. Expectations of earning a certain degree, marrying at a certain age, having children at a certain time, finding a certain success… all these things only put stress on a relationship (relationship meaning family, friends, lovers, etc, etc, etc).

I know there have been times in all of our lives when we found ourselves doing things that didn’t necessarily make us happy; we did them because we were expected to. The thing is, though, that being a free spirit (a self proclaimed one) has lead me to break the bounds of these expectations time and time again. Nobody expected me to move to Italy when I was 19, but it turned out to be a wonderful learning experience and one of the best times of my life. Nobody expected me to put off graduation for a semester and take on an internship in Florida, but it was the time in my life when I truly found out who I am. Nobody expected me to be a firefighter, but it proved to be something I not only enjoy but kind of love. You see, being wild and free and bulletproof by doing what I want instead of what is expected of me has lead to the best experiences I’ve had in my short life.

So, all of that being said… as of late I have found myself pretty unhappy in the position I was in. I know that happiness is up to you and you have a choice and la la la. But whatevs… my day to day activities were just not doing it for me to say the least. You see, at this point in my life, having no family to raise, husband to support, or school to finish, my only real focus is my job. I learned quickly that although I love the company I work for and the people I work with, I am not in love with the job I do. Some may call it childish to walk away from a good and steady job because it isn’t my ‘forte’ (shout out to my Expedition buddies for using the word forte), but I call it being free spirited. I call it knowing what I want and going for it. I call it finding true success because I want to love what I do regardless of my income or my instinct to live up to people’s expectations.

Lately I have felt such a strong need to do what makes me happy. I need to do this without worrying what other people think. I need to do this without worrying what I will think of myself (obviously both of those are important to a degree, but for the sake of this post let’s say that they are solely just the negative thoughts associated with choosing a different path than you are ‘supposed’ to take). Because of this, I have chosen to leave the life I have created for myself in the past few months. I have chosen to walk away from my job, my roommate, my friends (shout out to my friends who are very patient with the non-responsive friend I’ve been as of late), everything I have built recently, to do what I know in my heart will make my happier. I want to spend some time doing the job I love for at least one more summer. I want to have bonding time with my brother before he heads out on a mission. I want to know my nephew while he is still a baby. I want to spend some time finding where my passions lay. I know these things will make me happy.

After I graduated college I was like a lost puppy. I accomplished the goal I sought for so long. Then what? I spent a year and a half trying to do what I thought I needed to, and it has lead me to an unhappy day to day settled lifestyle. I need to re-evaluate. I need to make new goals. I need to learn what I want to do with the things I have accomplished. I know that one more summer of bliss is just the ticket. It may not appear to be the most responsible choice, but since when have I done what was expected? I want to live. I want to be happy. I want to wake up every day excited for the day because I know I will be doing something I love that day.

I have no idea where my life will lead after the summer and I am telling you, that isn’t a bad problem to have. I may run away and gallivant about the world and spend all my money travelling. I may land an incredible job in my degree. I may move to Paris. I may buy a season pass to a ski resort and snowboard every single day. If I don’t find another job, I’ll figure it out. I’d rather be a happy seasonal firefighter than a miserable salaried finance advisor. I don’t know what is going to happen, but I know it’s all going to be alright. I know that in order to end up where we want to be, we have to first take that giant leap of faith. I am going to trust my instincts and do this. This is my giant leap of faith.

Now, may I ask, have you taken yours?

Ponytail Parades

"I stay up nights until stars leave the sky knowing what my dreams take away."

Nobody likes you when you're 23..

..so I'm happy to put that year behind me and start over new. Maybe more people like you when you're 24, maybe not. The important thing is whether or not I like myself at 24. I'm excited to found out if I do. If this is how it's gonna look, I'm a fan already.

I live like a hermit in my own head.

Sometimes you have to make drastic life choices irregardless of how you think people will view them. If you do it with confidence, never doubting yourself or succumbing to your fears, you will own your choice. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices now to better yourself later. Don't let fear or expectations hold you back from your potential.

A Decade Under the Influence

Moment of silence out of respect for the anniversary of the release of what could be argued is the greatest album of all time....................................................................

Ten years today Taking Back Sunday released Tell All Your Friends. My music world has never been the same, and since music is my world, it's safe to say my world as a whole has been forever influenced by it's wonderness. The beautiful brilliance of such a perfect album has yet to influence my life so much as this album.

Thank you Taking Back Sunday. And thank you universe for blessing us all with musically and lyrically gifted prodigies who share their talents with the world.

Lets have some of that Peeta bread.

Technology is a powerful thing. I'm writing this post as I walk from the theatre to the gas station in flagstaff to buy a Coke while I wait in line for the Hunger Games. Like...whaaa?? Moment of silence and iPhones in the air for Steve Jobs.....(literally raising my iPhone).....

Ohemgee. The Hunger Games right now. Oh the ways I love this moment. We all have a story of why things mean the most to us. I'll spare you mine, but just know that this moment has such significance I may just burst from both joy and excitement. Also, I drove all the way to Flagstaff for it so I can enjoy it with my dad and my grandma. If them loving it and being as obsessed with them as I am isn't a testament to their greatness, I don't know what is.

Basically, I want to be as badas.... as Katniss and find my Peeta. I think that was the only real point to this post. Thanks for reading and sorry to waste your time. #sorryimnotsorry

I am an optimist, but only in a perfect world.

Cherry blossoms, cactus, and snow. Only in Arizona. How lovely.

I would also love to add, I am watching Pride and Prejudice. Oh, Mr. Darcy. GET AT ME.

"You have bewitched me, body and soul. And I love.. I love.. I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on."

Oh, to be so in love.

Yesterday I went snowboarding. The snow was absolutely terrible. It was slushy; there was dirt everywhere. I was absolutely convinced the day had no redeeming value. Then, the friend I went with and I decided to practice some things we never take the time to practice when the snow is good. He practiced his backside 180's while I practiced riding switch. With a new goal in mind, the day turned around in an instant. It ended up being the day I remember most being in love with the sport.

There are two lessons to be learned from this. The first is that snowboarding is clearly one of my most prized passions. I love it even when it isn't ideal. I am convinced I will only be truly happy if I work toward moving closer to snow before next season. Northern Cali, here I come. Lake Tahoe, I'll be seeing you.

The second and more important lesson is that you can turn any situation in to a good one if you allow yourself to. Kill pessimism, be an optimist. With the right mind set, any day can be a good day regardless of how bad the snow is. Think about it.

You don't get lucky twice, and that's the truth.

I'm taking a life hiatus for a while. Not sure how long. I am doing this dumb 21 day challenge thing I saw on pinterest? Seriously, I hate pinterest. It is ever consuming and nobody makes half the things they post on there. It's like watching the food network meets Martha Stewart. I'm super over it. Anyway, I am being a complete hypocrite because I am using something I found on there to do this 21 day challenge. It's basically what I should do every day but I don't have the strength to (no cookies, cake, ice cream, candy, crappy food I constantly feed myself, etc.). Not sure why the person who made it picked 21 days, but maybe it's significant somehow. Maybe 21 days means you're healed? Re-hab is 28, maybe I'll hold out for 28 days.

I am boycotting life. I cut out bad foods. I won't make plans to go out before I get my work out in every day. I won't leave my room unless it's clean. I deleted facebook. I just want 28 days to figure a few things out that aren't based off what I think people expect of me. I always think people expect me to say something funny, to go certain places, to decide certain things, to be dating, to get married, to love my job, la la la the expectations list goes on and on. I am going to spend 28 days minimun figuring this all out for myself. The next 28 days will heal my wounded heart, my out of shape body, help me choose my career, figure out my finances, find a place I fit in socially, find my place spiritually...

I have pretty high expectations for the next 28 days.

Tell me.. are you a badfish too?

So here I am, sitting at starbucks. I'm wearing my Katniss combat boots (movie in less than a month- GET AT ME!), a grungy plaid shirt and my hair is a hot mess from a post run brush-thru. Miles Davis is playing over the radio and I'm feeling like a bonafide hipster. I'm even drinking cinamon hot chocolate, it's pretty exclusive. Jokes, people, jokes. But seriously I am.

Anyway, as I was considering the thoughts I wanted to put on here today, so many things ran through my mind. It started somewhere along the lines of "tell them all the things you shouldn't do on facebook (posting 'what people think' photos for starters- seriously those were old before they started)", then headed in the direction of, "tell them how bad you want to walk away from everything in your life and move to California to be a surfing/snowboarder chick and live carefree without a worry in the world," and then some how landed on a song lyric, "are you a badfish, too?" So there you have it. Tell me, ARE you a badfish too?

Now, before you answer, keep in mind that by definition a badfish is someone who introduces someone else to heroine for the first time. I think it's a pretty safe bet to say most of the people reading this don't fall under that category. I do, however, believe that song lyrics are to be left to the interpretation of the person listening to them. Let me explain a little further....

To me, the term 'badfish' can be used in a broader sense as someone who influences anyone to do anything. I also believe that, since I was listening to the song, I get to choose whether it's an influence for bad or good. I know 'bad' is assumed (for obvious reasons), but let's pretend for a second that my interpretation is that a badfish is anyone who influences someone else in any way, bad or good. I'll make it easy...

badfish = example

You can be both a good example and a not so good example. It's always up to the person watching you to decide whether or not they will be influeced by your example, but you're an example nonetheless. You can be an example of strength, truth, freedom, salvation (someone tell me you picked up on my Saturday's Warrior reference there? no? okayyy cool), misery, weakness, confidence, cockiness... basically everything you do and every time you react to a situation you are being an example.

This truth was reiterated to me so strongly today. There is a guy at work, my mentor. He is a fun guy with a kind heart. Single. Early thirties. Not religious. He asked me if I had seen a certain movie. I replied "no." The conversation carried on and he asked me about more and more movies, most of which I replied with a "no." He made a joking comment about how I must be sheltered because I hadn't seen them. I simple said, "I don't watch rated R movies."

He looked at me a second in disbelief and then proceeded to ask,

"never?"

"no, never."

"why not?"

"well, I tend to think that most of the things you see in those movies are things I can live without. I already struggle enough with trying to make good choices, that's just one thing I can easily avoid to keep from being influenced."

He thought about that for a minute...

"You know, I see that point. People like to think that those thing don't influence them, but they really do. Your thoughts are cleaner and you're language is more appropriate when you don't watch those types of things."

"Absolutely!" I thought. Thank you, good sir, for getting it. You are a gentleman and a scholar.

He then asked about my religious beliefs and we got in to a pretty decent conversation about the gospel and my beliefs and such. I am a total dope and didn't think much about it until today. I walk in to work today and he yells across the cubicles, "I am going to go to your church with you sometime!"

Facepalm.

High five to myself for being the most ignorant person ever. It is MY job to invite HIM. Why did I not even think to do that? Bless his heart for having the courage to not just ask, but TELL me he is attending church with me so he can learn more. What a slice of humble pie for me. Next time I will be more receptive and realize when I need to extend an invitation.  

Anyway, as we talked about it today, he told me it started with the movies. He realized that my church obviously supplied me with a strong belief system all the way down to the way the media influences me. Who knows where this will end up, but not matter what... this man was lead to an interest in the gospel from an example. My example.

Now, I am in no way tooting my own horn and praising myself and claiming to be holier than there. I have had so many struggles lately and I never thought I would be one to influence anyone for anything. I also want to add a disclaimer that I don't think people who watch rated R movies are bad. I think that if you choose to watch them then that is great, it's just different than me. I struggle more than a lot of people. It's easier for me to just avoid it all together. I won't judge you for watching them. I just don't.

Anyway, so there it is. I'm a badfish. An influence. This could have gone in an entirely different direction. I could have said I watched all those movies, and who knows what kind of influence that would have had on him once he found out I was a member of the church. I am not judging anyone and the way the influence others, I am simple saying... think about it. Think about the impact you have on the world around you. Are you doing your best to be a good example? Are you doing all you can to be an influence for good? How does the things you do impact the people in your life?

I want you evaluate your choices. I know I did today. Think about the things you say, the books you read, the music you listen to, the activities you participate it. No matter what they are, they are setting some type of example to someone. Make sure you are setting the example you want to stand up for. Make sure you are making yourself proud. Make sure you are who you want to be.

Think about it and tell me... are you a badfish too?

Ps. don't hate on the typos, I was writing fastttttt.



My whole life I've been the game, time to be the player.

"Immaplaya immaplaya....

and if you hear me tell my homies anything goes"

Yeah. That's me. Playin' the game and workin' it all day erryday. 

False. I don't play the love game. I despise love games. They are lies, and people's feelings get hurt. I mean, sometimes it is appropriate to play games. They say 'all is fair in love and war', I think games qualify. But it's only acceptable as long as it isn't while using people as a means to an end, rather than an end in themselves. Although, it is true that I have been the game many times in my life, and being the player is a pretty tempting prospect.. but that's a story for another time.

Being a playa, on the other hand, is a nice way of saying, "I like to use people." My response to the playas of the world is a quote from a movie who's name I'll leave out (to protect my pride)... 

"Nobody's gonna buy the whole friggin ice cream truck if you're handing out the popsicles for free!"

Think about it, ladies and gents. Just think about it.

Anyway, I meant the life game. The game of life isn't just s Fisher-Price board bought by parents to entertain 90's kids such as myself. It's also a real and tangible thing. You get to choose whether you play by the rules or not, but it's a game nonetheless. Sometimes it's vicious and the competition is fierce. Sometimes you're winning and sometimes you lose big. Happens to the best of us.

In my training at work, we have been getting all sappy and emotional at times talking about the life game. My new trainer is totally brilliant in that he can tear at our heart strings without any of us ever catching on to his scheme. The other day, as he introduced himself, he wrote three expectations he had for us on the white board. 

1. Own your job.

2. Stop whining, start winning.

3. Have fun.

Ok, so simple. Yet so profound. Own your job. So many of us get caught up in going through the motions of getting up every day and going to work so we can get a paycheck and pay the bills and have the freedom to do what we choose with the rest of our time. I was that way. I was hardly "owning" it as he so appropriately put it. We need to 'own' everything we do in life. Play the life game, own it. Work it. Do what you want with it. Make it yours and yours alone. Do what you want and the rest will fall in to place. 

Stop whining, start winning. Question: have you ever complained about anything, ever (let's make that a rhetorical question since you can't really answer me...)? I am going to assume the answer is yes. Most the time when we complain, it is about something we can't change. 

"Ah man, why does it have to be cloudy today?"

...cause the universe conspired against you and made it cloudy just to put you in a bad mood. Oh wait, november-oscar-tango (that's my forest service way of saying n-o-t as in nope, no it doesn't). No it didn't. Stop. People who complain about the things they can't change. Stop it now.

Have fun. Okayyyy it makes me sad that more people don't just include this in their 'to do' list every day. If you aren't having fun, then what is the purpose of your life? The scriptures tell us that, "men are that they might have joy." If you don't find some type of joy in the things you're doing, it's possibly time to reevaluate your strategy in your game of life.

Moving on... the life game. Be a player. Don't let the game play you like a little puppet on a string always reacting to situations around you. Be a player; you be the puppeteer and decide what moves will be made next. Be confident that the moves you make are (as the hipsters like to put it) FTW (for the win, for the late guy). There is nothing more attractive than confidence. Whatever you want to do, own it. Wear big sunglasses. Dye your hair brown. Wear skinny jeans. Take pictures in shiney gold leggings and post them all over facebook (clearly these are all examples of things people told me not to do that I did anyway). You just gotta do them with confidence and own it, people will be too scared to question it. If they do, they were never a friend of yours in the first place. 

My last point in this game called life is losing. Losing at life. The times when you aren't 'winning' as Charley Sheen likes to put it (I know, Charley Sheen jokes are old news). Today at work we talked about the way people instantly turn a situation in to a problem. We are so quick to assume that anything outside the norm of our lives is problem rather than a possibility. That has to do with attitude. If our attitudes weren't so negative, we would look at situations as possibility for change, or improvement. I know you do this, I do it all the time. Focus on problems because of my bad attitude. I never think in terms possibility. If I had a better attitude, I could go from losing to winning in an instant. Once again, playing the life game. Using the things that happen to you to your advantage, rather than letting them use you. Use situations to your advantage; make them a possibility. Don't turn them in to problems. Make sense? Sometimes I ramble.

Just, in general, own what you do. Whatever it is that means something to you, own it. Work it. Take it, coddle it, love it, make it yours. Play it. Don't be played by it. Be the player, not the game. 

Peace and love and chicken grease, and all that good stuff.

Don't let me get in my zone.

For those of you who don't love good music, that's a Watch the Throne reference. That song rocks my world.

Anywhooooooo... it's also relevant (surprisingly enough). That phrase, 'don't let me get in my zone'. I want to talk about being in the zone. YOUR zone, particularly. I prefer to refer to it as being 'in your element'. To me, your element is the place in this big world that's yours. It's a place where nobody can touch you. All that matters in that moment is you and this thing, whatever it is you may be doing. For some people it's playing an instrument, for some it's school, for some it's while they're playing a sport. It's MJ and Basketball, the other MJ and dancing, and the other other MJ giving people the munchies (wowww for that reference, I promise I have never been friends with THAT MJ). This thing comes naturally to you. It makes you feel at home. 

I have several places where I am in my element. 

-Give me paint, a canvas, some music blasting loudly next to me, some italian soda from world market. You can't touch me there. I'm in the zone; I'm in my element. 

-Give me a good long run with my music in my ears and nothing on my mind. I'm at home.

-Give me my music in general. Nothing is on my level when I am in that zone.

-Give me the mountains. The cold air. Snow. Trees. Boarding. My element.
-Give me kids. Childrens. Place them all around me. The magical world of make believe. Happy kids, sad kids, nice kids, troubled kids. I got this. I GOT THIS. It's my element. 

-Give me a road trip. A plane ride. A first time in a new place. Travelling. Anywhere. Here and there and everywhere. Everywhere. So far in my element I can't be moved.

-Give me water. Lake, beach, river, waterfall. THE elements are MY element.

-Give me something to design. My room, my cupcakes, my art projects, my pictures. Things that are mine, particularly to me, that I can create. Creativity as a whole. My zone.

-Give me a subject and a computer. I can write for days when I have something to say. When I have a subject, writing is so far in my element I can't separate my imagination from my reality. 

-Give me people a power suit. Sky rises that make you feel important. Employee ID badges. At my new job, I feel good. I feel needed. I feel useful. I feel like I am contributing to society. My element. Mine. 

You need yours. Figure out what it is and use it. Use it to make you happy, use it to make you untouchable. There is nothing in the world more fascinating to me than seeing someone in their element. Nothing is more attractive to me than watching someone in their element. Use it to make your life better. To escape when you need to get away. Use it, you won't regret it. You, right now. Get a paper and pen and write down where you are in your element.

I'm definitely in my zone.