What you share with the world is what it keeps of you.

Every single time I begin to write anything on this lovely little blog, I am always tempted to begin with "hi, kids." Then, it never fails that the rest of the words to the Eminem song wants to crawl out my fingers and on to the page, "...do you like violence? Wanna watch me stick nine inch nails through each one of my eyelids (uh huh!)"... You can thank my cousins and TRL for that lyrical reference. Normally I'd be embarrassed for the fact that late 90's rap music isn't exactly how I'd like to represent my musical preferences, but that's neither here nor there. Different strokes for different folks. 

I have so many things running through my mind that I would love to talk about. Baseball, Spotify, backsliding, Brazil, and hiking to name a few. Instead, I'm going to talk about education.

Education.

O be wise, what can I say more?

Education does not equal wisdom. Choosing to become educated, however, is a wise decision. Being one of the few things the apostles and prophets have commented on as a "good reason" for going in to debt, it seems the decision of whether or not to further ones education would be rendered as important. I chose the job I currently have based on my loose interpretation of why going to school was important. I was offered a job using my marketing degree along with the job I currently hold simultaneously. I turned down the job I dreamed of having for so long based on one determining factor. In my current position, I am more likely to further my education. 

At first, I made this decision based solely off the fact that I felt like earning my master's degree was what was expected of a person in my position. Single, mid-twenties, no prospects, nothing but time. Earning a degree just felt like the logical next step, whether my heart was in it or not.

After a few months of working in my position, I have really come to welcome the thought of furthering education. Every single day, I talk to people who are either so far in debt they will die before their student loans disappear while still not having a degree to show for it, or people who tell me they quit school because they fell in to a good job at a young age and now they are not eligible for upward movement because they haven't earned a degree.

I am not sure how or why I was so blessed as to make it through my undergraduate degree with a student loan used only to pay for my study abroad, but I know I would the world's biggest putz if I walked away from continuing my education while having the option to, once again, walk away debt free. At the risk of sounding pretentious, I have been given opportunities and doors have been opened that would have otherwise been closed if I had walked away from my education simply because I had a "good job". I talked to a student today who is nearly $40,000 in debt and has yet to earn an associates degree. She was willing to pay "almost all" of her $200 paycheck to clear a debt that would enable her to return to school and earn her degree. Those facts and numbers were enough to convince me that I need to talk every advantage of every educational opportunity I am handed, as should you.

You may be wondering why you would want to go so far in to debt for something like an education if you currently have a "good job". I don't think it's necessary to throw facts and numbers at you proving the fact the the higher the degree, the higher the yearly income, on average. I more think it's necessary for you to know how many people I talk to daily who wish they would have kept that in mind when they stopped going to school (having incurred debt already anyway) because it became expensive or life got in the way. Every one of them tells me that they wish they would have finished school earlier in life. I know you may currently feel like you don't have the time or means to earn an education. In certain cases that may be true. But investing in yourself, and your future, will never be something you regret.

Also, keep in mind that George Strait once sang the lyric, "I've never seen a hearse with a luggage rack," implying that any worldly riches we attain in this life will one day be left behind. The scriptures, on the other hand, state that, "Whatever principle of intelligence we attain unto in this life, it will rise with us in the resurrection. And if a person gains more knowledge and intelligence in this life through his diligence and obedience than another, he will have so much the advantage in the world to come." I like to think that includes knowledge and intelligence both through study and experience. I've yet to meet a person who was in a worse situation than they had been previously as a result of becoming more educated. I could spend two days on a soap box talking about the fact that simply choosing to read a book as opposed to playing video games or watching TV is apart of that, but I will save that rant for another time.

Because of this, I have had the burning desire to return to school as soon as I am able. In two months I will be eligible to return to school for my master's degree. I genuinely believe I would be doing a disservice and showing ingratitude to the universe if I do not take full advantage of this opportunity. I genuinely believe that you should consider furthering your education, in the case that you have the opportunity and haven't chosen to do so. Some people can be very successful, even change the world, without an education. Most of us, though, will be successful and change the world because of our education. 

Think about it. 

A small tribute.

I want to begin by stating that my thoughts and prayers are with the loved ones of those lost in the line of duty in Prescott today. The intention of this is not to take away from the loss they are feeling, but rather to share some of the perspective I gained during my six years as a wildland firefighter.

When I was a little girl, before I really understood how prayer worked and the way in which the Lord's hand is in everything we do, I prayed every single night that my family would be safe in the case that there was a fire while we were sleeping. I sometimes would sleep as near as I could to my little brother so I could be there to save him if we had to jump from our second story window to escape. I always knew that fire was one of my biggest fears.

Fast forward 15 or so years, and suddenly I am in S-130/190 (basically firefighter 101) learning about weather patterns and geographical features as they relate to fire behavior. I remember my childhood fear and wonder what it was exactly that lead me to the point where I would be working every day in one-on-one combat with the thing that scared me most. I thought every single day would be a battle between my courage and my fear.

As it turns out, being a wildland firefighter wasn't that at all. I learned very quickly that it was a dangerous job, but that every one I was working with had my back. There was a undefinable connection between every one I came in contact with because we were all working for the same cause, and we all wanted to go home safely. We looked out for each other. The fire world is a family where we are all brothers and sisters working to keep each other protected and out of harm's way.

I spent nights sleeping in the cab of a fire engine with these men. I spent endless days camped out on the top of a mountain with these men. I faced heartbreaking situations in the aftermath of mother nature's fury with these men. We ate breakfast, lunch and dinner together. We told stories, shared laughs, and worked ourselves to death together. The hardest days and nights of my life were spent with these men. The scariest situations I have ever been in were with these men. Some I spent years with, others I only knew for a brief time. Either way, we were connected. There was a bond.

Some of the men I worked with are as much friends and family to me as I'll ever see because not only were we forced to spend days on end with each other, but we worked in life threatening situations together. That is an unbreakable bond. I learned to trust even those I barely knew because, well, what choice do you have when your life is on the line? The point I am trying to make is that there really is a spirit of "no man left behind" when you are in a situation that could turn tragic in the blink of an eye. Everybody looks out for everybody. There is an unspoken trust. There is an unbreakable bond.

My point in explaining all of this is that, although I knew none of the men personally, hearing of this tragedy hits home. Those men worked with people I worked with. People I care about cared about them. They were my brothers and sister in my combat against my fear, and therefore I hurt with their loss. They are brave. Maybe they went out there every day having to conquer their fear the way that I did, because that is what you do when it is your job to protect.

More so, there are other firefighters out there who knew them, worked with them, and cared about them. There are those who didn't know them at all, but are feeling the loss of their brothers and sisters. Those firefighters are going to go back out on the fireline tomorrow and keep doing their job, knowing the danger they are in and feeling the hurt of this loss. That, my friends, is a true hero. Those who are directly affected by this tragedy and still make sacrifices in order to do their job. If more people in the world were like these service men and women, the world would be a better place.

I wish I could share every incident and every story I had to tell of what wonderful men these firefighters are. I wish I could describe the bond I have with them in words so people could understand. I wish there was a way I could make every one of them know what my time with them meant to me. How it changed me. How it made me better. How it made me stronger. I can face every fear now because of the way they helped me face that one. My heart aches and my soul cries out for them. I know I will be praying extra hard tonight.

Ps. Thank you to all of my friends and family who called and texted tonight to make sure I was safe. I appreciate you thinking of me more than you'll ever know. 

"Never, not ever again," is what you swore the last time this happened.

A few weeks ago I watched this bizarre movie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I wasn't really a fan of the movie; honestly, it was weird and boring. It did, though, have a few significant points in it that turned out to be significant life lessons. There was one quote in particular that I've been thinking a lot about. At one point in the movie, Hermione (that's not her name in the movie, but being a Harry Potter geek I can't think of her as anything else) gives a speech about how horrible she's been treated. 

The response she gets cut me to the core. 

He could have said something along the lines of, "because those people are awful, all men are jerks, people suck," that sort of thing. Instead, he points out that we choose to let people like that in our lives. If we are surrounded in people who treat us like we're nothing, it's because we think we deserve to be treated the way they are treating us. We have power over being treated like dirt. We can choose to not allow people in our lives who belittle us. The answer is confidence. We have to demand respect. If we think so little of ourselves as to believe that people who lie to us, cheat on us, and walk away from us are people who "love" us, it is because we don't have the respect we need to have for ourselves. 

I have been through a lot lately. I have been lied to, cheated on, belittled, and ridiculed by people who I thought "loved" me. I've been hurt. I've spent nights laying awake wondering why I wasn't good enough. I'm the kind of person who loves with my whole heart. When I commit, I am 100% in. I would do anything for the people I love. Lately, that love has been mocked. It's been taken advantage of. My heart has been stepped on and my soul has been crushed. I don't mean to be dramatic, but I've been treated so bad it almost felt like people in my life were out to hurt me intentionally, like a sport. A game. 

I allowed myself to believe it was something that was out of my control. That the universe hated me and wanted me to be miserable no matter how hard I tried to do things right. It handed me everything I wanted and then ripped it away time and time again. I couldn't understand it. 

After hearing that quote, "we accept the love we think we deserve", I realized it wasn't the universe at all. It was me. It was me allowing people in my life who treated me like I was nothing. It was having such low self esteem that these people who so-called "loved" me treated me terribly; it was the love I thought I deserved. 

I've come to realize that I deserve better than that, we all do. I deserve to be loved genuinely, for exactly who I am. I don't have to look at the other people around me and wonder what they have that I don't. I am enough. Anyone who doesn't believe so doesn't deserve a place in my heart, and they don't in yours either. I have a lot of love to give, but I deserve that same love in return. Never again will I settle for those who treat me like I'm nothing. If we think we deserve to be treated like we're nothing, that is the type of love we will accept. At the same time, if we think we deserve the world, THAT is the type of love we will accept. I deserve the world, and so do you.

Think about it. 

Someday, I'll be a knight.

Hello friends. Another random thought from yours truly.

The other day I was watching a Knight's Tale and Heath Ledger's character said something that stuck out to me. Right when he is sitting on the horse, in his armor, about to joust for the first time, he says:

I've waited my whole life for this moment.

I got to thinking, what have I waited my whole life for? Everyone has that moment when they realize what they are about to do is what their whole life has been about. Everything, up until that point, doesn't matter at all. It is all about this moment, this minute, this second, you have waited your whole life for.

Everyone has a different moment they have been waiting for.

It could be a proposal.

Graduation. 

Becoming a parent.

Owning your career.

[btw this picture rocks]

Everyone has a different idea of that moment, but it's just as important to every one of us. It is amazing, breathtaking, life changing. The more I thought about it, the more I realized there is no question as to what that moment is.

It is a moment I have worked toward my whole life. Every decision I have made, every chance I have taken, every opportunity I have taken advantage of has revolved around this life changing moment. No choice I have made has been without this in mind. I have missed out on things, I have said no when the world would have me say yes, I have been mocked and teased and judged for this moment. And yet I know, without a single doubt in my heart, that when that moment comes (hopefully far in the distant future) none of that will matter. I know that as I wake up that day, walk up those steps, and stare up at this place, I will say to myself...

Going to the temple to receive my endowment will be the moment I have known I was waiting my whole life for. It won't be for a mission, a marriage, or for any other reason than me, wanting to make covenants with my Heavenly Father, for myself and myself alone. What a blessing.

This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me.

Right now I am watching 'Yes, Man!' and the part is playing when the guy is about to jump off the roof and Jim Carrey sings....... "I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend, you could cut ties with all the lies that you've been livin' in......" E-P-I-C.

The other day someone asked me the most repetitive and redundant (yes, I get that it is repetitive and redundant to say both repetitive and redundant, that's the joke) question. The infamous, "why aren't you married?" My initial reaction is usually something like, "I'm only 24 years old! I have PLENTY of time before I am tied down for eternity!" Instead of that response, I usually try my best to give a humble and honest answer to the question while still staying confident and not sounding depressed (jk). Every time someone asks, it gets me thinking about what the real reason is. I'm not going to bore you with all the reasons I have found that it's not. I was bored trying to write about them, let alone read them. The reason I am here right now is because I figured it out. The reason no person should be married until there is a solution. The thing that every person should keep in mind as they choose their "soulmate". The pot of gold at the end of the hellish (sorry for the profanity) rainbow some people refer to as dating.

Are you ready for it?

The answer: Mark Zuckerberg is already married.

...........jk. But seriously. I was waiting for Mark to call for years only to find (on the cover of People magazine of all places) that he already chose some hot, brilliant, asian lady. Wah-wah such is life.

..........jk for reals this time. The real reason for the delay of marriage is that I haven't found the guy that treats me the way I deserve to be treated. Sounds so simple right? Sorry if you are disappointed in that answer. Let me explain..

Love is black and white. There is no grey. A person either loves you, or they don't. If there is any question, there will be someone else that loves you better.

In my experience, the boys I have dated have had some great qualities, some not so great qualities, some lessons to teach me and some challenges to present me with. They also all have one thing in common: they didn't work out. Have there been times when I wanted them to? Absolutely. Have there been times when I have prayed to keep them in my life? Absolutely? Have there been times I tried everything in my power and fought with all of my might to make it work? Absolutely. And yet, they didn't. Is that because there is no hope and prayers don't get answered and I am not meant to be happy? Absolutely not. It is because I deserve better.

I may have some pathetic, movie based, fictional, over the top, out of this world idea of what love is supposed to be, but I know it is because I deserve it. Everybody deserves it. Every single person has a right to feel that, 'can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series' kind of love. The kind of love Taylor Swift sings about. The kind of love the Notebook was made about. The kind of love Pride and Prejudice was written about. Call me crazy, call me girly, call me whatever you want. Say I'm looking for too much, say my standards are too high, say whatever you want. I know that I deserve it. I know every one does.

I know some people find it sooner than others. I know that there is a time for everything. I know that your time is different than my time. We all have lessons to learn, we all have experience to gain. We all have to be hurt so we know what it feels like to be cared about. We have to have it not work out sometimes so we can appreciate it when it does. Like a plant in a garden, we have to be pruned in order to meet our full potential. After the Lord feels we have been through enough, after we have grown and leared all we can, after we have suffered through the pain and hurt caused by ended relationships enough... then we will find it.

"That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy, and the only thing in focus is you and this person. You realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift. You want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it, and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time."

Everyone deserves that. I'll be honest for a second and say I have been treated terrible in relationships. I have been lied to, cheated on, mislead, used, abandoned. I've had guys walk away and then come back looking for second chances when they realize what they've lost (not being self-absorbed, just saying it happens). I fall easy, and I've been hurt. There is damage. I think we all sometimes feel that the damage can never been fixed. That we are too far gone. FALSE. It can be fixed. And that person walking out of your life is likely to be one of your greatest blessings because there will come a time when the right person, the one who will always treat you the way you deserve to be treated, will walk in to your life. That person will fight to stay. That person will respect you. That person will watch you from the across the room because they find you that fascinating. That person will protect you. That person will make time for you. That person will not doubt. That person will want nothing more than you.

Do not settle for less than that. Do not settle for less than you deserve. The pressures of society can make you feel like you need to rush, that you need to take what you can get. But I will stand and say no. No to anyone who thinks you should settle for less than you deserve. No to anyone who says you can make it work with anyone. No to anyone who doesn't believe in fairy tales endings. Real love is a fairy tale, and I know my happy ending will one day come true.

I want someone who will look at me like this on my wedding day.

I deserve it, and so do you.

That, my friends, is that answer to the, "why are you not married" question. Trust me... when I find it, you'll know.

I do believe it's true, that there are roads left in both of our shoes.

I like to think of myself as a free spirit. Sometimes I take the long way home just because it’s the scenic route. Sometimes I drive to the lake and watch the sunset on my own just because I want to. Sometimes I recycle just because that’s what a Flagstaffian would do. That last one was a joke; I really do recycle once in a while, but not because it’s what they do in Flagstaff. I recycle more so because somewhere deep down inside of me there is a hippy trying to fight her way to the surface.


I often find myself doing impulsive things as a result of this aforementioned free spirited lifestyle, the most recent being the topic of this post (shocking, a post with actual substance rather than my usually pointless rants). I am not so self absorbed as to assume that everyone is interested in my life choices, but you are on my blog reading my posts after all. If you don’t care, you know where to find the red ‘x’ as an escape route. Anywho… sometimes when you are a free spirit you quit your job in order to find happiness, regardless of the expectations people have of you (or that you have of yourself). I’ve heard it said that expectations “can be like a fungal rot on a relationship”. That’s actually from a movie, and if you can name it I will send you a high five in the mail. Isn’t that the truth, though? When there are expectations of anyone or anything it essentially leads to sadness and disappointment. I don’t mean expectations as in standards; I mean expectations as in assumptions. Expectations of earning a certain degree, marrying at a certain age, having children at a certain time, finding a certain success… all these things only put stress on a relationship (relationship meaning family, friends, lovers, etc, etc, etc).

I know there have been times in all of our lives when we found ourselves doing things that didn’t necessarily make us happy; we did them because we were expected to. The thing is, though, that being a free spirit (a self proclaimed one) has lead me to break the bounds of these expectations time and time again. Nobody expected me to move to Italy when I was 19, but it turned out to be a wonderful learning experience and one of the best times of my life. Nobody expected me to put off graduation for a semester and take on an internship in Florida, but it was the time in my life when I truly found out who I am. Nobody expected me to be a firefighter, but it proved to be something I not only enjoy but kind of love. You see, being wild and free and bulletproof by doing what I want instead of what is expected of me has lead to the best experiences I’ve had in my short life.

So, all of that being said… as of late I have found myself pretty unhappy in the position I was in. I know that happiness is up to you and you have a choice and la la la. But whatevs… my day to day activities were just not doing it for me to say the least. You see, at this point in my life, having no family to raise, husband to support, or school to finish, my only real focus is my job. I learned quickly that although I love the company I work for and the people I work with, I am not in love with the job I do. Some may call it childish to walk away from a good and steady job because it isn’t my ‘forte’ (shout out to my Expedition buddies for using the word forte), but I call it being free spirited. I call it knowing what I want and going for it. I call it finding true success because I want to love what I do regardless of my income or my instinct to live up to people’s expectations.

Lately I have felt such a strong need to do what makes me happy. I need to do this without worrying what other people think. I need to do this without worrying what I will think of myself (obviously both of those are important to a degree, but for the sake of this post let’s say that they are solely just the negative thoughts associated with choosing a different path than you are ‘supposed’ to take). Because of this, I have chosen to leave the life I have created for myself in the past few months. I have chosen to walk away from my job, my roommate, my friends (shout out to my friends who are very patient with the non-responsive friend I’ve been as of late), everything I have built recently, to do what I know in my heart will make my happier. I want to spend some time doing the job I love for at least one more summer. I want to have bonding time with my brother before he heads out on a mission. I want to know my nephew while he is still a baby. I want to spend some time finding where my passions lay. I know these things will make me happy.

After I graduated college I was like a lost puppy. I accomplished the goal I sought for so long. Then what? I spent a year and a half trying to do what I thought I needed to, and it has lead me to an unhappy day to day settled lifestyle. I need to re-evaluate. I need to make new goals. I need to learn what I want to do with the things I have accomplished. I know that one more summer of bliss is just the ticket. It may not appear to be the most responsible choice, but since when have I done what was expected? I want to live. I want to be happy. I want to wake up every day excited for the day because I know I will be doing something I love that day.

I have no idea where my life will lead after the summer and I am telling you, that isn’t a bad problem to have. I may run away and gallivant about the world and spend all my money travelling. I may land an incredible job in my degree. I may move to Paris. I may buy a season pass to a ski resort and snowboard every single day. If I don’t find another job, I’ll figure it out. I’d rather be a happy seasonal firefighter than a miserable salaried finance advisor. I don’t know what is going to happen, but I know it’s all going to be alright. I know that in order to end up where we want to be, we have to first take that giant leap of faith. I am going to trust my instincts and do this. This is my giant leap of faith.

Now, may I ask, have you taken yours?

Ponytail Parades

"I stay up nights until stars leave the sky knowing what my dreams take away."

Nobody likes you when you're 23..

..so I'm happy to put that year behind me and start over new. Maybe more people like you when you're 24, maybe not. The important thing is whether or not I like myself at 24. I'm excited to found out if I do. If this is how it's gonna look, I'm a fan already.

I live like a hermit in my own head.

Sometimes you have to make drastic life choices irregardless of how you think people will view them. If you do it with confidence, never doubting yourself or succumbing to your fears, you will own your choice. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices now to better yourself later. Don't let fear or expectations hold you back from your potential.

A Decade Under the Influence

Moment of silence out of respect for the anniversary of the release of what could be argued is the greatest album of all time....................................................................

Ten years today Taking Back Sunday released Tell All Your Friends. My music world has never been the same, and since music is my world, it's safe to say my world as a whole has been forever influenced by it's wonderness. The beautiful brilliance of such a perfect album has yet to influence my life so much as this album.

Thank you Taking Back Sunday. And thank you universe for blessing us all with musically and lyrically gifted prodigies who share their talents with the world.

Lets have some of that Peeta bread.

Technology is a powerful thing. I'm writing this post as I walk from the theatre to the gas station in flagstaff to buy a Coke while I wait in line for the Hunger Games. Like...whaaa?? Moment of silence and iPhones in the air for Steve Jobs.....(literally raising my iPhone).....

Ohemgee. The Hunger Games right now. Oh the ways I love this moment. We all have a story of why things mean the most to us. I'll spare you mine, but just know that this moment has such significance I may just burst from both joy and excitement. Also, I drove all the way to Flagstaff for it so I can enjoy it with my dad and my grandma. If them loving it and being as obsessed with them as I am isn't a testament to their greatness, I don't know what is.

Basically, I want to be as badas.... as Katniss and find my Peeta. I think that was the only real point to this post. Thanks for reading and sorry to waste your time. #sorryimnotsorry

I am an optimist, but only in a perfect world.

Cherry blossoms, cactus, and snow. Only in Arizona. How lovely.

I would also love to add, I am watching Pride and Prejudice. Oh, Mr. Darcy. GET AT ME.

"You have bewitched me, body and soul. And I love.. I love.. I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on."

Oh, to be so in love.

Yesterday I went snowboarding. The snow was absolutely terrible. It was slushy; there was dirt everywhere. I was absolutely convinced the day had no redeeming value. Then, the friend I went with and I decided to practice some things we never take the time to practice when the snow is good. He practiced his backside 180's while I practiced riding switch. With a new goal in mind, the day turned around in an instant. It ended up being the day I remember most being in love with the sport.

There are two lessons to be learned from this. The first is that snowboarding is clearly one of my most prized passions. I love it even when it isn't ideal. I am convinced I will only be truly happy if I work toward moving closer to snow before next season. Northern Cali, here I come. Lake Tahoe, I'll be seeing you.

The second and more important lesson is that you can turn any situation in to a good one if you allow yourself to. Kill pessimism, be an optimist. With the right mind set, any day can be a good day regardless of how bad the snow is. Think about it.

You don't get lucky twice, and that's the truth.

I'm taking a life hiatus for a while. Not sure how long. I am doing this dumb 21 day challenge thing I saw on pinterest? Seriously, I hate pinterest. It is ever consuming and nobody makes half the things they post on there. It's like watching the food network meets Martha Stewart. I'm super over it. Anyway, I am being a complete hypocrite because I am using something I found on there to do this 21 day challenge. It's basically what I should do every day but I don't have the strength to (no cookies, cake, ice cream, candy, crappy food I constantly feed myself, etc.). Not sure why the person who made it picked 21 days, but maybe it's significant somehow. Maybe 21 days means you're healed? Re-hab is 28, maybe I'll hold out for 28 days.

I am boycotting life. I cut out bad foods. I won't make plans to go out before I get my work out in every day. I won't leave my room unless it's clean. I deleted facebook. I just want 28 days to figure a few things out that aren't based off what I think people expect of me. I always think people expect me to say something funny, to go certain places, to decide certain things, to be dating, to get married, to love my job, la la la the expectations list goes on and on. I am going to spend 28 days minimun figuring this all out for myself. The next 28 days will heal my wounded heart, my out of shape body, help me choose my career, figure out my finances, find a place I fit in socially, find my place spiritually...

I have pretty high expectations for the next 28 days.

Tell me.. are you a badfish too?

So here I am, sitting at starbucks. I'm wearing my Katniss combat boots (movie in less than a month- GET AT ME!), a grungy plaid shirt and my hair is a hot mess from a post run brush-thru. Miles Davis is playing over the radio and I'm feeling like a bonafide hipster. I'm even drinking cinamon hot chocolate, it's pretty exclusive. Jokes, people, jokes. But seriously I am.

Anyway, as I was considering the thoughts I wanted to put on here today, so many things ran through my mind. It started somewhere along the lines of "tell them all the things you shouldn't do on facebook (posting 'what people think' photos for starters- seriously those were old before they started)", then headed in the direction of, "tell them how bad you want to walk away from everything in your life and move to California to be a surfing/snowboarder chick and live carefree without a worry in the world," and then some how landed on a song lyric, "are you a badfish, too?" So there you have it. Tell me, ARE you a badfish too?

Now, before you answer, keep in mind that by definition a badfish is someone who introduces someone else to heroine for the first time. I think it's a pretty safe bet to say most of the people reading this don't fall under that category. I do, however, believe that song lyrics are to be left to the interpretation of the person listening to them. Let me explain a little further....

To me, the term 'badfish' can be used in a broader sense as someone who influences anyone to do anything. I also believe that, since I was listening to the song, I get to choose whether it's an influence for bad or good. I know 'bad' is assumed (for obvious reasons), but let's pretend for a second that my interpretation is that a badfish is anyone who influences someone else in any way, bad or good. I'll make it easy...

badfish = example

You can be both a good example and a not so good example. It's always up to the person watching you to decide whether or not they will be influeced by your example, but you're an example nonetheless. You can be an example of strength, truth, freedom, salvation (someone tell me you picked up on my Saturday's Warrior reference there? no? okayyy cool), misery, weakness, confidence, cockiness... basically everything you do and every time you react to a situation you are being an example.

This truth was reiterated to me so strongly today. There is a guy at work, my mentor. He is a fun guy with a kind heart. Single. Early thirties. Not religious. He asked me if I had seen a certain movie. I replied "no." The conversation carried on and he asked me about more and more movies, most of which I replied with a "no." He made a joking comment about how I must be sheltered because I hadn't seen them. I simple said, "I don't watch rated R movies."

He looked at me a second in disbelief and then proceeded to ask,

"never?"

"no, never."

"why not?"

"well, I tend to think that most of the things you see in those movies are things I can live without. I already struggle enough with trying to make good choices, that's just one thing I can easily avoid to keep from being influenced."

He thought about that for a minute...

"You know, I see that point. People like to think that those thing don't influence them, but they really do. Your thoughts are cleaner and you're language is more appropriate when you don't watch those types of things."

"Absolutely!" I thought. Thank you, good sir, for getting it. You are a gentleman and a scholar.

He then asked about my religious beliefs and we got in to a pretty decent conversation about the gospel and my beliefs and such. I am a total dope and didn't think much about it until today. I walk in to work today and he yells across the cubicles, "I am going to go to your church with you sometime!"

Facepalm.

High five to myself for being the most ignorant person ever. It is MY job to invite HIM. Why did I not even think to do that? Bless his heart for having the courage to not just ask, but TELL me he is attending church with me so he can learn more. What a slice of humble pie for me. Next time I will be more receptive and realize when I need to extend an invitation.  

Anyway, as we talked about it today, he told me it started with the movies. He realized that my church obviously supplied me with a strong belief system all the way down to the way the media influences me. Who knows where this will end up, but not matter what... this man was lead to an interest in the gospel from an example. My example.

Now, I am in no way tooting my own horn and praising myself and claiming to be holier than there. I have had so many struggles lately and I never thought I would be one to influence anyone for anything. I also want to add a disclaimer that I don't think people who watch rated R movies are bad. I think that if you choose to watch them then that is great, it's just different than me. I struggle more than a lot of people. It's easier for me to just avoid it all together. I won't judge you for watching them. I just don't.

Anyway, so there it is. I'm a badfish. An influence. This could have gone in an entirely different direction. I could have said I watched all those movies, and who knows what kind of influence that would have had on him once he found out I was a member of the church. I am not judging anyone and the way the influence others, I am simple saying... think about it. Think about the impact you have on the world around you. Are you doing your best to be a good example? Are you doing all you can to be an influence for good? How does the things you do impact the people in your life?

I want you evaluate your choices. I know I did today. Think about the things you say, the books you read, the music you listen to, the activities you participate it. No matter what they are, they are setting some type of example to someone. Make sure you are setting the example you want to stand up for. Make sure you are making yourself proud. Make sure you are who you want to be.

Think about it and tell me... are you a badfish too?

Ps. don't hate on the typos, I was writing fastttttt.



My whole life I've been the game, time to be the player.

"Immaplaya immaplaya....

and if you hear me tell my homies anything goes"

Yeah. That's me. Playin' the game and workin' it all day erryday. 

False. I don't play the love game. I despise love games. They are lies, and people's feelings get hurt. I mean, sometimes it is appropriate to play games. They say 'all is fair in love and war', I think games qualify. But it's only acceptable as long as it isn't while using people as a means to an end, rather than an end in themselves. Although, it is true that I have been the game many times in my life, and being the player is a pretty tempting prospect.. but that's a story for another time.

Being a playa, on the other hand, is a nice way of saying, "I like to use people." My response to the playas of the world is a quote from a movie who's name I'll leave out (to protect my pride)... 

"Nobody's gonna buy the whole friggin ice cream truck if you're handing out the popsicles for free!"

Think about it, ladies and gents. Just think about it.

Anyway, I meant the life game. The game of life isn't just s Fisher-Price board bought by parents to entertain 90's kids such as myself. It's also a real and tangible thing. You get to choose whether you play by the rules or not, but it's a game nonetheless. Sometimes it's vicious and the competition is fierce. Sometimes you're winning and sometimes you lose big. Happens to the best of us.

In my training at work, we have been getting all sappy and emotional at times talking about the life game. My new trainer is totally brilliant in that he can tear at our heart strings without any of us ever catching on to his scheme. The other day, as he introduced himself, he wrote three expectations he had for us on the white board. 

1. Own your job.

2. Stop whining, start winning.

3. Have fun.

Ok, so simple. Yet so profound. Own your job. So many of us get caught up in going through the motions of getting up every day and going to work so we can get a paycheck and pay the bills and have the freedom to do what we choose with the rest of our time. I was that way. I was hardly "owning" it as he so appropriately put it. We need to 'own' everything we do in life. Play the life game, own it. Work it. Do what you want with it. Make it yours and yours alone. Do what you want and the rest will fall in to place. 

Stop whining, start winning. Question: have you ever complained about anything, ever (let's make that a rhetorical question since you can't really answer me...)? I am going to assume the answer is yes. Most the time when we complain, it is about something we can't change. 

"Ah man, why does it have to be cloudy today?"

...cause the universe conspired against you and made it cloudy just to put you in a bad mood. Oh wait, november-oscar-tango (that's my forest service way of saying n-o-t as in nope, no it doesn't). No it didn't. Stop. People who complain about the things they can't change. Stop it now.

Have fun. Okayyyy it makes me sad that more people don't just include this in their 'to do' list every day. If you aren't having fun, then what is the purpose of your life? The scriptures tell us that, "men are that they might have joy." If you don't find some type of joy in the things you're doing, it's possibly time to reevaluate your strategy in your game of life.

Moving on... the life game. Be a player. Don't let the game play you like a little puppet on a string always reacting to situations around you. Be a player; you be the puppeteer and decide what moves will be made next. Be confident that the moves you make are (as the hipsters like to put it) FTW (for the win, for the late guy). There is nothing more attractive than confidence. Whatever you want to do, own it. Wear big sunglasses. Dye your hair brown. Wear skinny jeans. Take pictures in shiney gold leggings and post them all over facebook (clearly these are all examples of things people told me not to do that I did anyway). You just gotta do them with confidence and own it, people will be too scared to question it. If they do, they were never a friend of yours in the first place. 

My last point in this game called life is losing. Losing at life. The times when you aren't 'winning' as Charley Sheen likes to put it (I know, Charley Sheen jokes are old news). Today at work we talked about the way people instantly turn a situation in to a problem. We are so quick to assume that anything outside the norm of our lives is problem rather than a possibility. That has to do with attitude. If our attitudes weren't so negative, we would look at situations as possibility for change, or improvement. I know you do this, I do it all the time. Focus on problems because of my bad attitude. I never think in terms possibility. If I had a better attitude, I could go from losing to winning in an instant. Once again, playing the life game. Using the things that happen to you to your advantage, rather than letting them use you. Use situations to your advantage; make them a possibility. Don't turn them in to problems. Make sense? Sometimes I ramble.

Just, in general, own what you do. Whatever it is that means something to you, own it. Work it. Take it, coddle it, love it, make it yours. Play it. Don't be played by it. Be the player, not the game. 

Peace and love and chicken grease, and all that good stuff.

Don't let me get in my zone.

For those of you who don't love good music, that's a Watch the Throne reference. That song rocks my world.

Anywhooooooo... it's also relevant (surprisingly enough). That phrase, 'don't let me get in my zone'. I want to talk about being in the zone. YOUR zone, particularly. I prefer to refer to it as being 'in your element'. To me, your element is the place in this big world that's yours. It's a place where nobody can touch you. All that matters in that moment is you and this thing, whatever it is you may be doing. For some people it's playing an instrument, for some it's school, for some it's while they're playing a sport. It's MJ and Basketball, the other MJ and dancing, and the other other MJ giving people the munchies (wowww for that reference, I promise I have never been friends with THAT MJ). This thing comes naturally to you. It makes you feel at home. 

I have several places where I am in my element. 

-Give me paint, a canvas, some music blasting loudly next to me, some italian soda from world market. You can't touch me there. I'm in the zone; I'm in my element. 

-Give me a good long run with my music in my ears and nothing on my mind. I'm at home.

-Give me my music in general. Nothing is on my level when I am in that zone.

-Give me the mountains. The cold air. Snow. Trees. Boarding. My element.
-Give me kids. Childrens. Place them all around me. The magical world of make believe. Happy kids, sad kids, nice kids, troubled kids. I got this. I GOT THIS. It's my element. 

-Give me a road trip. A plane ride. A first time in a new place. Travelling. Anywhere. Here and there and everywhere. Everywhere. So far in my element I can't be moved.

-Give me water. Lake, beach, river, waterfall. THE elements are MY element.

-Give me something to design. My room, my cupcakes, my art projects, my pictures. Things that are mine, particularly to me, that I can create. Creativity as a whole. My zone.

-Give me a subject and a computer. I can write for days when I have something to say. When I have a subject, writing is so far in my element I can't separate my imagination from my reality. 

-Give me people a power suit. Sky rises that make you feel important. Employee ID badges. At my new job, I feel good. I feel needed. I feel useful. I feel like I am contributing to society. My element. Mine. 

You need yours. Figure out what it is and use it. Use it to make you happy, use it to make you untouchable. There is nothing in the world more fascinating to me than seeing someone in their element. Nothing is more attractive to me than watching someone in their element. Use it to make your life better. To escape when you need to get away. Use it, you won't regret it. You, right now. Get a paper and pen and write down where you are in your element.

I'm definitely in my zone. 

"Are you a real firefighter?"

This morning I was awoken by a text from my mom. I always act like I am wide awake when she calls and texts me early in the morning like that. This morning I planned on responding and then passing back out, but what she texted me sent my mind racing. I couldn't go back to sleep with all the thoughts and memories bouncing around in my mind, so here I am; I am posting them here as my outlet. I should write it all down but I don't even have a journal. I'll just print it out at some point. 

The text read, "Are you watching the Today Show (sure am not mom, I only ever watch it when I'm with you or when Justin Bieber is doing a Christmas special.. jk... bs)? They are doing a special on the Bastrop Fire, and doing things for the firefighters who lost their homes. I was sobbing." 

THE BASTROP FIRE

I have been a firefighter for five years. That really isn't a lot of  time in the grand scheme of life. There are many people out there who serve for years and years and dedicate their lives to that work. I don't claim to be one of those, I don't even claim to know a ton about fire. Every single fire I fought I learned something new. I know there was so much more I could come to know. But, in five years, I did see A LOT. I saw different fire activity, different situations, I was afraid at times, confident at times, sometimes I knew exactly what we needed to do, sometimes I had no idea. This fire particularly left me feeling all of those things, yet it didn't compare to any other experience in the slightest. It was the most mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted I had ever been. I wouldn't be surprised if it was the most of those things I'll ever feel again.

I know that this job doesn't compare to many others in legitimacy. I know that rarely are lives lost; rarely do we see tragedies that are traumatizing. It happens, don't get me wrong, but it's not as common as police jobs and structure jobs. I know that as far as natural disasters go, there have been floods, hurricanes, tornadoes, tsunamis, and endless unthinkable tragedies that have left people homeless, familyless, and absolutely devastated. Compared to a war time situation, this isn't even on the scale of trauma. But it was my trauma. My fire. My experience. And therefore, it was all those things to me. 

A couple of months ago I was in Texas to fight fire. There was severe drought; every firefighter that was available in the country was sent to Texas. We had been getting bored sitting around every day waiting for fires to start, so when we got the call to go to Bastrop we were ready for it. It makes me sick to think I was happy, excited even, that there was a fire. Something to do. An escape from monotony. How naive I was about how unhappy the experience would be. I was completely blind to the fact that people were losing their homes, some their lives. I had no idea, I just wanted to fight some fire. 

We got the call at about 11 at night, we were told to be ready to head out at 0600 the next morning. We did so, and were in Austin at about 1400 that day (it was a long road trip with few bathroom breaks which is no bueno for me). Bastrop is just south of there. As we are driving in the general direction, I see not only one, but two columns of smoke. Then a third. Fire everywhere. The worst part was that I didn't see forest anywhere. I saw fire and city. It was bizarre. Most fires are fought in the middle of nowhere with little town in between. I didn't understand why.

This is what I saw.

Once we were given  directions, checked in at ICP (incident command post), and headed to the main fire camp (located at an army camp) it was about 1530. We were told we would be working night shift and that it started at 1800. My thoughts were, "great, we have three hours to drive to camp, sleep, get up, eat dinner, and drive back to ICP before 1800." We all knew we weren't getting any sleep before that night shift started. We were right, none of us slept a wink. We ate some sandwiches about 1700 (camp wasn't fully set up yet so the food choices were limited). We got fuel and a Monster (no judgement there, we were headed in to an all night shift after having already worked 12 hours, thanks), and headed back to ICP for instructions. That was when it started to hit me just how insane this night was going to be.

The bosses headed in to a briefing and left us little seasonals outside to wait. As I sat there waiting (and feeling incredibly helpless as I watched the column growing bigger and bigger with every passing minute), countless people came up to me asking questions. People were telling me stories, "I was out on my boat fishing and saw the column, I didn't make it back to my house in time to get anything, all I have are the clothes on my back." And, "Have you seen my friends? They look like (fill in with very not descriptive description of what could be just about anybody).. they don't have a vehicle, I hope they got out in time." And the worst, "I was walking home, the police turned me around, I didn't have time to get anything, I have no insurance. Everything I have in life is in my house that just burned to the ground."

I was in tears before we ever even left to start work.

I was with a bunch of dudes who are unfeeling robots in times like these (that is not a hit at the guys, I wish I were that way, that is why it's always an interesting dynamic to throw females in to typical male jobs, but that's a story for another time) so I tried to hide my emotion. Our instructions were clear as mud, none of us had any idea what exactly we were headed in to do. We didn't care, we just wanted away from the public, and to feel like we were actually contributing. Structure protection, that was all they told us. We headed in to a subdivision that was sketchy already because there was only one way in. Our task force leader basically sent us to divide and conquer. Go find houses about to burn and save them, basically. Leave the ones already burning. I mean, we are not structure firefighters, we have no training or experience, not even enough water on our trucks, to save a home already burning. So prep work, got it. Let's do some work boys.

We take off down a random street and see some fire behind a home. The adrenaline was pumping at this time and we were fired up (pun so intended). We jumped out and ran to the house. We started with the hoses and line digging. We put in fire line all around the home and sprayed out the flames on the fire's edge. We threw all the lawn furniture away from the house, cut down hazardous trees, sprayed the two feet thick pine needles on the roof. We did all we knew how to do, then headed down the street to the next one. Saved it. Feeling great at this point. As we pull up to the next house, the fence is on fire. People jump out without putting on all their gear (packs, hard hats, gloves, etc) and just spray down the fence. Got it. Saved that one. We added more fire line and did similar things as the first houses. We did this several times, several houses. 

We completed several homes in several areas on that road. "We are doing a great thing here," I thought. Then we got a call on the radio. "Come over to such and such road and help so and so engine." We pack up and head over there. As we drive, I see the situation on the other side of the road is completely different. We are driving to the location of the other engines and there is fire everywhere. EVERYWHERE. It is not a line of fire progressing in a particular direction. It is everywhere. I can't tell where the column is, which direction the fire is moving, which way is up basically. That is when it all turned in to a blur of confusion, fear. I can remember it all, every detail, and yet the chain of events all runs together in to one big feeling of being traumatized. 

It was like a movie. It was like I was standing outside myself watching everything happen. The homes were burning. They looked like scary cartoon characters with faces, laughing at how defenseless we were against them. It almost felt like they were mocking our helplessness. We would work so hard spraying down a home, putting in a fire line, and suddenly the roof is on fire and the house is burning down from the inside. So we head to the neighbors to try to stop that one, but something explodes in the first one sending flames and embers everywhere. Now both are burning, and we are watching. Every move we made was one step behind. We would give it our all, only to be left watching the flames envelope our efforts seconds later. 

At one point I was spraying the flames out in a random back yard and a police officer comes to ask me a question.

 "What about that house over there?" 

"Huh?"
"That house up the road, what about it?"

"I'm sorry, sir, I have no idea. I'm just spraying."

He heads up the hill where a fellow firefighter, Aaron, was standing. He asks Aaron what I assume was the same question he asked me. They both point the general direction and then take off toward it. They come back a few minutes later, looking distraught. All the while I am spraying and spraying and my face is melting off from the heat, I am completely oblivious to what is happening. He walks past me and gets back in his cop car. Aaron stands by me, silent for a minute. He then goes on to tell me that it was the officer's house. He had been asking me about his own house. He was asking if we had gotten there in time. I was so one-track minded, I hadn't had put it together. We didn't make it in time, his house was in flames when they had seen it. The officer watched his own house burn to the ground. He hadn't had a chance to go inside and take anything out because, since the start of the fire, he was helping other people escape. I stood, dumbfounded. Embarrassed at my ignorance. 

I know there could have been worse situations. There could have been lives lost, families lost. But in that moment, watching that officer drive away, I thought of his family pictures. I thought maybe he has a son, a daughter, both. Maybe their baby pictures are in a pretty photo album sitting on a shelf inside that house, catching fire as I stood there. Maybe there were family heirlooms, books, birth certificates, college degrees, fingerpaintings, kindergarten art projects, a daddy daughter photo taken from a fishing trip. He'll never get those things back. Most things can be replaced, true, but not everything. The life he built was just destroyed while he watched. While I watched.

It was Labor Day weekend so everyone was out of town. Nobody got the chance to go in and grab their valuables. They had no warning. A total of 1,386 home were lost during the duration of that fire. 1,386 families lost everything.

The night pressed on. We continued on in our haste to save and yet too many times we failed. I was getting discouraged. It felt like a war zone. There was fire everywhere. There were explosions. Loud loud explosions. It hurt my ears. Fire explosions. Fire was running in all directions. At one point they pulled us out of the subdivision because the head of the fire was running at us (wherever the head was, it was all just fire to me) and there was no escape. We pulled out, watched the 200 foot flame front pass while we sprayed out the spot fires it started, then headed back in. It was then that I realized it was about 3 am. I had a headache. My hands had burns on them from forgetting my gloves in my haste. My hair was singed. I was hungry. I was exhausted. But we kept moving. We worked on and on. As the time passed people became aggravated. We were getting on each other's nerves. Yet, we still had each other's backs. The boys, bless their hearts, were so good. So good to me, so good to each other. I really grew to love them that night. Watching as they worked relentlessly, never quitting no matter how discouraging it was. Making sure I was okay constantly. Helping each other, lessening each other's burdens.

We waited for our relief to come. The next shift was supposed to take over at 0600, ending our 24 hour shift. 0600 came and went, and still no relief. The sun came up. We still worked. We kept digging, kept cutting, kept initiating burn out operations and putting out fire. At 10 am I made a stupid comment, "goodness I'm hungry, I can't believe they expect us to work this way without having eaten since last night (going that hard all night with no food for fuel and energy was getting to me)." Aaron simply said, "get over it, Misty, eat an MRE if you have to." Ouch. It was then I realized what a selfish brat I was being. He just wanted to work until he fell over dead trying to save these people's homes, all I could think about was feeding myself. Talk about moment of sad self realization.

In that instant I did this thing I often do where I take a moment to step back and look at the situation I am in from the outside. Sometimes when I do this I wonder how in the heck I got to where I am. This time, I realized it was going on 28 hours of work. Not just 'being on call' kind of work, but hard and exhausting work. We hadn't eaten in 17 hours. We had probably saved 10 out of 350 houses we attempted to save. We were wildland firefighters trying to be structure people. We had no idea what we were doing. We hadn't slept in well over 30 hours.

I also realized there was no where in the world I would rather be.

I have always had this passion and desire within me to help. Every time I see or hear of a tragedy, all I want to do is use what I have been blessed with to help. I have a healthy body, a strong mind, able hands. So many people don't even have so much as those three things. I want to use them for the betterment of people. For the helping of the sick, the afflicted, those affected by tragedy. And there I was, doing just that. I had this overwhelming desire to write to the US Department of Agriculture and ask them not to pay me for the work I was doing. I wanted to just serve and serve until I couldn't stand. I felt so empowered, so re-energized. I was ready for another 30 hours if they would have let me. With this new found desire I pushed myself to the limit. I continued to work but with stronger vigor. My heart was bigger and therefore so was my will. We saved a house. Then two, then three. We saved a total of five in that neighborhood that morning after we were supposed to have been long gone. Staying and saving those homes made all the losses from the night before feel more than worth the effort we had put in, to no avail. I was on top of the world. Relief finally came at about 11:30 that morning. We headed out, back to ICP. They sent us in to Austin to sleep for the day, telling us to be back at 1800 that night. So we did. By the time we went to sleep in Austin it was about 1330. 31 and a half hours. I was too tired to eat, almost too tired to sleep. Stupid tired. The kind where everything is funny and you do things like look for your cell phone while you're talking on it. I passed out, woke up and headed back a few short hours later. Another Monster. Finally some food.

A little girl came up to me, she was about 10 years old.
"Mam, I baked some cupcakes for ya'll at the church, would you like one?"
"No thank you, sweetheart. I appreciate it though."
"Mam, please. This is all I can do to help. Please make me feel better and take my cupcake."
I stare like an idiot in disbelief and take a cupcake.
"Thank you so much for your service, mam."

This little girl just lost everything she has in life. Material things, yes, but at that age material things are some of the most important things. And yet there she was, thanking ME, thanking me for my service, baking me cupcakes. Thinking only of others, never of herself. Oh how I wish I could go back in time (and slap myself for being so ignorant) and thank that little girl for her perfect example of love and charity. Thank her for being such an example of kindness. Thank her for changing my life with her cupcakes of thanks. All I wanted to do was bake every flipping baked good I could ever imagine and give them away to all these humble people.

Everywhere we went it was, "thank you for your service... thank you for what you are doing... let me buy your lunch... let me buy you a Coke to say thanks... you guys are our heroes."

No, Bastrop Texas, you guys are MY heroes.

The next few night shifts were filled with us travelling from burned down house to burned down house putting out any sign of heat and fire we ran in to. That is when the situation hit me like a brick in the stomach. I saw the damage. It was a ghost town of debris and rubble. Only fire places standing with everything in ashes around it. There would be little signs of these people's livelihoods. Pictures frames with the pictures burned out of them, statues, silverware, china. Proof that these people had lives they built for themselves that now lay in ash all over the unforgiving mother earth. The guys that were there with me that night went back to AZ, I was extending and staying for 30 days so another crew came in. The new guys only saw what was left. They were in absolute disbelief of the damage. I tried and failed to describe to them the horror from that night. What it was like to watch the destruction happen while trying and failing to stop it. What it felt like to watch the cop drive away. How I felt talking to the man with no insurance. My words could never do justice to what really happened that night. The pain and sadness hung like a tangible thing in the air. It was so powerful to see the aftermath. It was then I realized how traumatizing the whole thing was. How affected I really was.

I know there are so many worse situations to be in. I know that war doesn't compare. That natural disasters with thousands of lives lost doesn't compare. But this is all I have to compare them to, and it was intense to say the very least. I have never seen anything like it and doubt I will again. My heart goes out to those who lost everything. My hat is tipped to those countless volunteer firefighters who go to work from 9 to 5 at a desk job, and then volunteer doing what I get paid to do just out of the goodness of their hearts. Bless the hearts and lives of those men and women who worked countless hours to do what little they could. Bless the hearts of everyone who works every day in situations like these. The soldiers, firefighters, police, any one in a service position. I thank you for all you do. This one experience changed me forever, and they deal with it all the time.

I am a different person after having been in Bastrop, Texas. I feel blessed to have had the experience. Few people have the chance to see what I saw. I feel humbled and thankful to my Father in Heaven for all that I have, for keeping us safe, for giving me the opportunity to be there and help. It was, above all, a testament of the power and mercy of my Heavenly Father. I know there is a plan. I know He loves us and protects us. I know He was there with me that night and that it was through Him alone that I had the strength to continue on. Countless prayers of family members, community members, and we firefighters are what gave us the ability to do what we did. The experience is one I hold dear to my heart, and one I will never forget. 

I'm an addict for dramatics, I confuse the two for love.

"Secret love, my escape.

Take me far far away.

Secret love, are you there?

Will you answer my prayer?

Please take me anywhere but here."

Yesterday was one of the best days of my life. Those little girls are the loves of my life. My escape. They are the answers to my prayers. They take me away from the worries of life and bring joy and happiness to everything they touch. 

At one point Jaycee (the beautiful blondie) gave me a big hug and said, "Misty! I am so glad that you came skiing wif us today, I just love you sooooo much!"

Are you kidding me? My heart melted then and there. Not sure I could possibly love any thing or person more than I love those two little angels.

Whenever I need to be anywhere but here, I find refuge in those girls. You know what they say... "Thank heaven for little girls." You bet your boots that I do. Every day I thank my Father in Heaven for placing them in my life. They are, without and beyond a shadow of a doubt, two of my greatest blessings.